


Mr. Snufflepants Saves the Day

by ellebeedarling, sparkly_butthole



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Fluff, Humor, background Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard - Freeform, shepard tries to find his space hamster, the hamster tries to avoid being caught
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-24 08:23:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13807317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellebeedarling/pseuds/ellebeedarling, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkly_butthole/pseuds/sparkly_butthole
Summary: A miniature reaper has infiltrated the Normandy, and no one seems to realize it but Mr. Snufflepants. Saving the ship should be fairly easy if the hamster can avoid being found by Shepard.





	Mr. Snufflepants Saves the Day

**Author's Note:**

> A silly, fluffy thing written for Space Hamster week on Tumblr. 
> 
> Special thanks to [Arke](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arke/pseuds/Arke) for the beta work! You rock babe!! <3
> 
> Thanks for reading!! 
> 
> Find us on tumblr: [sparkly_butthole](https://mshenkoaddiction.tumblr.com/) [ellebeedarling](http://ellebeedarling.tumblr.com)

“Goddamn thing,” Shepard mutters under his breath. “Where’d you go now?”

Vega’s not sure he heard that quite right. He tiptoes around the corner, as silent as a 250-pound juggernaut can be, and listens a little more closely. The commander is on his hands and knees on the lower level of the Engineering deck, scouring the floor with more frustration than Vega had ever seen from him during the six months Shepard was on lockdown. 

Vega can’t help it. He laughs.

“Hey, Loco!” he yells, and Shepard winces. 

“Well, now you’ve done it.” He stands up and dusts his hands off. 

“Done what, Loco? Stopped your little… whatever it is you’re doing? What  _ are _ you doing, anyway?”

“Looking for my space hamster.” 

Shepard sounds proud, but he still refuses to meet James’ eyes, which are currently as round as saucers.

“Space… what?”

“Space hamster,” Shepard says, exasperated. “I’m missing my space hamster, and I’m pretty sure I saw him down here.”

“Okay, first of all: ‘Loco’ really is the right name for you, because I’m pretty sure space hamsters aren’t a thing, boss. And there ain’t one on  _ this _ ship even if they are.”

Shepard glares petulantly, and Vega wants to laugh again. “They are too.” He folds his arms, looking like a child on the defensive after getting himself into trouble on the playground. “You weren’t on the SR-2… before. You don’t know.”

“Okay, okay, boss,” he says, putting his hands up in some placating gesture. “You’re right. I wasn’t there. Good luck finding your, uh, ‘space hamster.’” 

He marches up the stairs with a smirk, but hesitates and finally looks back to ask, “What’s his name?”

“Mr. Snufflepants,” Shepard mutters, barely audible.

James Vega laughs until he turns purple. 

 

***

 

Reaper Unit 33135 reporting in.

_ Report. _

On the  _ Normandy _ . Investigation pending. EDI the largest obstacle. Once taken care of, ship will be ours. Headed to mainframe now. 

_ Keep us informed. End transmission. _

 

_ *** _

 

Mr. Snufflepants makes her way through the vents, vexed. How the hell did this happen to her ship? It’s a mess from top to bottom without her sweet (but dumb) Shepard to take care of it. Cobwebs strung up between the conduit runs beneath Engineering - how, she has no idea, considering it’s hot as hell down there - and grunge blocking some of the smaller maintenance shafts. Hell, even EDI has an occasional blip in her systems. 

Plus the, you know, Reaper tech.

Her mind races with a string of some of the colorful obscenities that her human is prone to using, particularly when he sits in front of his computer terminal. He’d used a lot of them after their last mission. She isn’t sure what had kept him so riled up, but eventually he’d gotten more affectionate toward her, snuggling her until she thought her fur would fall out, seemingly in need of some sort of comfort. 

She feels a bit guilty, knowing that Shepard is searching so desperately for her, but it’s too soon to let him find her, and she knows it. If there were a way for her to communicate to him that she was happy and safe, she would. She owes the human her life after all. Now it is her turn to repay the favor. 

When Shepard had disappeared - to where and for how long, she had no idea - she’d been baffled at first, and then somewhat afraid. Leave it to her poor, stupid Shepard to do something that’d get himself killed. 

When other humans - clumsy, oafish humans with no apparent regard for her well-being - had invaded her home and proceeded to tear it to shreds, she longed for Shepard’s return and hoped that he would come find her. 

Now here she is hiding from her very salvation. 

She hears his voice calling her name and knows she’s letting herself become complacent. There have been too many close calls. Thankfully the Beefcake and the Blue One have consistently given her the openings she’s needed to slip through Shepard’s fingers. 

It’s the Feeble One who calls out to Shepard this time, and she cringes when she hears the  _ thwack _ of his head hitting the bulkhead, followed by a plethora of his preferred colorful words. 

She’ll make this up to him. Let him cuddle her and coo at her to his heart’s content. Just as soon as she finds the rat bastard who’s invaded her ship.

 

***

 

“Come on, I know you’re around here somewhere.” Shepard scratches his chin, a nervous habit he must’ve picked up from Joker somewhere along the way. “Why are you hiding, you little shit?”

It occurs to him that maybe the Alliance had treated the hamster badly. Shepard needs to call - and yes, waste precious resources - to find out how the hell his hamster got out in the first place. Does the Alliance not care about animals? Were they trying to get back at him somehow? Who would do this to a hamster? He never once considers that the hamster found a way to get out, because there’s just no way. It’s a damn hamster.

“What are you mumbling to yourself about this time?” 

Shepard pops up from his crouching position in the Engineering hold and hits his head on a rafter. “Joker… goddammit.”

“Uh… Commander? What the hell are you even doing, and why are you muttering about a hamster?”

“Did James tell you to come down here and bother me?” Shepard asks, brow firmly set and voice aggravated.

Joker puts his hands up like he’s dancing at a club. “Don’t shoot. Jesus, who pissed in your Wheaties this morning?”

“How do you even know that reference? Wheaties aren’t even a thing anymore, Joker.”

“Uh-uh, you don’t get to redirect the conversation here, buddy. What are you doing, seriously?”

Shepard rolls his eyes. “I’m looking for my space hamster. Happy?”

Joker laughs so hard he doubles over and starts coughing. Shepard just stares in exasperation.

“If you wanna help, get down here and find him. I know I saw him a little while ago…”

“Uh, did you forget the whole ‘I’m Joker, and I break like china if you barely tap my leg’ thing?”

“Then get out of here!” Shepard yells, rubbing at the back of his head where he’d hit it.

“Aye-aye, Commander! Let me know when you find this nonexistent space hamster!”

“Hey! You saw him! You were on the  _ Normandy  _ before, Joker!”

“La la la, can’t hear you!” Joker yells back as the pneumatic doors close behind him.

_ Goddammit, _ Shepard thinks.  _ Can’t something go right for a change? _

 

_ *** _

 

Mr. Snufflepants moves along the top of the rafters, considering her options. How in the  _ hell _ is she gonna chase a piece of Reaper tech out of the Normandy? Or, better yet, kill it. Yes! She could kill it. But how?

The thing is nestled beneath the CIC. She’d have to attack it, which would be a terrible idea, or draw it out and trap it. It’s probably too intelligent to fall for that, but for her budding plan to work, it’ll have to be that way. Otherwise she’ll blow up the entire CIC. Kinda defeats the purpose.

If she can manage to reactivate EDI’s wire that runs underneath the CIC by the nest, she can send a signal down the wire, and maybe issue some kind of challenge. Surely, the thing is intelligent enough to understand her. She wonders if it has also been overlooked because of its diminutive nature, like she is. Hell, if Shepard could see her now, he’d probably shit a brick. 

Her mind made up, she scurries down a level and sets up shop next to the grenade stack. All she’s gotta do is push it toward the back of the shuttle bay, far enough away that it won’t harm anyone on the ship, and then trip the wire in the CIC. She’ll have to time it carefully so that no one is on the ship when she does it, but Mr. Snufflepants is nothing if not good at timing. Just look at her human, who is currently two inches from her hiding spot. She knows just how to be a tricksy little girl. 

“C’m ‘ere, boy. C’mon! I know you’re in here somewhere!” Shepard murmurs. She just rolls her eyes at the guy who can’t even tell she’s female. Sometime soon, she’ll let him find her. 

Just as soon as their enemy is taken care of.

 

***

 

“What’s eating you?”

Shepard glances up from the cold cup of tea he’s fiddling with just as Garrus takes the seat across from him, a bowl of something disgusting looking in his hands - talons, whatever. 

“Nothing.” 

“I don’t believe you.” 

“And I don’t care,” Shepard pouts, sipping the tea and grimacing at the taste. Pushing the mug away, he picks up the datapad he’d previously set aside, but doesn’t look at it. Instead, he stares, nervously toggling the on-off switch. 

Garrus reaches across the table and snatches the device from Shepard’s fingers. “You can have it back when you tell me,” he says when the Commander makes to interrupt. 

“I can’t find my space hamster,” Shepard mumbles, crossing his arms and looking away. 

Garrus isn’t sure if it’s the same for human children, but the expression and the body posture remind him precisely of a turian child who’s being scolded. Then Shepard’s words finally register. 

“I’m sorry, your what?” 

Shepard sighs dramatically. “Space hamster! Small, furry rodent that I kept in a cage in my cabin. I left him on the ship when I turned myself in, thinking that the Alliance would care for him, but he’s missing. I can’t find him anywhere!” 

There’s a long pause before Garrus responds, and when he does, Shepard’s face falls. He’s not sure if turians can cry when they laugh, but he thinks Garrus just might be. His supposed friend is doubled over, head on the table, fists pounding away noisily as he all but howls in laughter. 

“Thanks for nothing,” Shepard grumbles as he leaves the turian to his hysterics. 

 

***

 

“Vega!” Shepard bellows, and James turns his head to see his Commander stalking toward him with a scowl on his face and a… grenade in his hand? “What the hell is this?” 

“A frag grenade, sir?”

“Don’t be a smartass with me, Lieutenant, or I’ll demote you to fucking guard duty and put Westmoreland in your spot. Are we clear?” 

James snaps to attention and fires off a crisp salute. “Crystal, sir,” he says with all the sincerity he can muster. 

“How the hell did a live grenade end up at the back of the cargo bay?”

“Sir?” 

“Did I stutter, marine?” Shepard shouts.

“My apologies, Commander,” James says, body rigid, eyes fixed somewhere over Shepard’s left shoulder. “I’m not sure how the grenade got there, but I will find out and make sure it doesn’t happen again.” 

“See that it doesn’t. I hope I don’t have to remind you of the consequences of a grenade going off in a starship.” 

“No, sir!” 

“Carry on, Lieutenant.” 

James salutes again, then stares at the grenade the Commander had placed in his hand. “Son of a bitch,” he mutters. 

 

***

 

“Goddamn, motherfucking, shit… of all the…” 

Mr. Snufflepants watches in horror as Shepard finds the grenade she’d so carefully placed to lure the ship’s interloper into her trap. All her plans and expended energy for nothing. She loves Shepard, she does, but humans are really annoying sometimes. 

Retreating into the wall, she finds the hidden stores of food she’d scrounged, consisting of pilfered bites the crew had dropped in the mess. While she eats, she tries to come up with another plan. Maybe the grenade is too dangerous, but so is a Reaper on her damn ship! 

Well, if she can’t communicate with Shepard, maybe she can communicate with EDI. She needs someone smarter than Shepard to help her with this, that’s for damn sure.

She travels to the ship’s AI Core and finds EDI’s mainframe, then takes a deep breath and lets out a squeak. A few tense moments pass before EDI answers, and thank the Goddess, she’s understood exactly what Mr. Snufflepants had been trying to say. 

“Are you certain?”

She squeaks again - yes, obviously, or why would she be bothering the ship’s AI?

“Well, I did know there was something off in my systems, but I just assumed that it was a minor malfunction. The Reaper tech that our visitor has deployed is extremely sophisticated. I believe there may be a way to shut it down undetected, but I may have to divert some systems to the task when the time comes. If we could perhaps wait until the ship is docked, then we can tackle the problem.”

That’s fine - she’d been planning to set off the grenade during the next shore leave anyway, even though she definitely does not want to wait to  _ get the damn thing off her ship _ . 

 

***

 

“Mr. Snufflepants… come on, boy… where the hell are you, you little-”

“Commander?” 

Shepard turns with a start, smacking his forehead on the doorframe he’d been crouched next to. 

“Motherfucki…” Sighing, he stands to face his visitor. “Traynor. Is there something I can do for you?” 

“I, uh… came to relay a message from the salarian Councilor, sir. He’s asked you to contact him at your earliest convenience.” 

“Is there a particular reason you had to deliver this news in person?” 

“I also have a stack of reports that need your signature.” 

“Right.” 

Traynor thrusts the datapads into Shepard’s hands, but he just stands there, waiting for her to either leave or say something else. 

“Did you need help with something, sir?” she ventures to ask.

“I’m trying to find my motherfucking space hamster!” 

“Space…. What did you say?” 

“Hamster. Space. Hamster. As in a hamster from space.” 

“Right. Okay, well… I believe I’ll leave you to it.” 

Shepard watches her go, then leans back against the wall and thumps his head against it a few times for good measure. If he doesn’t find the damned thing soon, his crew is going to start thinking he’s insane. 

Hell, maybe he has gone insane. _ Was _ there ever actually a space hamster? Did six months in lockup turn his brain to mush? He doesn’t even know anymore.

 

***

 

Mr. Snufflepants squeaks, telling EDI that it’s time. 

“I am currently aiding Shepard in suppressing a coup attempt on the Citadel. I do not know if I can carry out both processes at optimal efficacy. Are we certain this can’t wait?”

She squeals loudly, indignant. The mission is reaching critical mass; EDI isn’t aware of all the spy work Mr. Snufflepants has been doing. Pretty soon, the Reaper is going to introduce a virus into the AI Core, and then EDI - and the  _ Normandy _ \- will be no more. This can’t wait any longer!

“Then yes, we will finish the mission now. I want you to know that I believe in you. I am one of the few people who know the history of your species. I can keep it a secret from Shepard if you wish.”

Mr. Snufflepants makes a sound of gratitude, then performs the hamster equivalent of clearing her throat. 

“Of course. Here’s what you must do…” 

With EDI’s help, she manages to procure the components needed to manufacture a small, precise ion bomb - just powerful enough to blow what’s left of the Reaper infiltrator to bits once the subroutine has finished its job, but not enough to damage any of the ship’s systems. Shepard would be proud if he were smart enough to understand her language. 

The humans are all either off the ship or occupied with monitoring the current crisis Shepard has managed to land himself in - he really needs someone looking out for him, poor man. Mr. Snufflepants decides that this is the perfect time for her to make her move. 

 

***

 

Reaper Unit 33135 reporting.

_ Receiving transmission. Report. _

We are encountering technical difficulties of unknown origin. Requesting permission to investigate.

_ Permission granted. Inform us when objective is complete. End transmission. _

 

***

 

The subroutine runs perfectly. She and EDI trace the signal and discover, to their shared delight, that the small piece of Reaper tech is no longer hidden in her systems. At the very least, its greedy virtual claws have retracted from the mainframe. Now it’s time for part two of her plan.

There’s just one thing, though. It’s a bomb that she has to set herself, given the nature of the operation, and she’s just a tiny hamster. It’s likely that this will kill her, but she’s damn sure gonna do her best to make it back to that funny man she inexplicably adores.

She runs as fast as possible, counting the seconds and praying to the Allmother under her breath, knowing she’s not going to make it. But suddenly, just around the corner, EDI’s metallic body kneels down and scoops her up. Her heart beats emphatically against her rib cage and she cringes as the tiny bomb goes off underneath them. But she’s safe now.

And so is the ship.

EDI immediately moves toward the elevator to take her to her cage, but she squeaks out in protest. What if it’s not finished? She has to make sure.

“Do not worry, little one. I am impervious to the effects of indoctrination. I am going to toss the burned corpse out the airlock entirely. The ship will be clean, I promise you.”

She sighs in EDI’s capable hands and allows herself to be placed back into the cage. It’s waiting for her, full of fresh bedding, hay, and water. If her species were one to cry, she’d be crying now, knowing that her human has prepared for her with this much care. He’s a good man, her Shepard. She looks forward to the satisfaction on his face when he discovers her back in her rightful home.

 

***

 

_ Requesting update from Reaper 33135 of the Normandy. Come in, Unit 33135. Come in. _

_ \--- --- ---  _

_ Requesting update from Reaper 33135 of the Normandy. Come in, Unit 33135. Come in. _

_ \--- --- --- _

_ Removing access to the gestalt from Unit 33135. If you’re out there, you’re on your own now. _

 

***

 

Udina’s corruption and betrayal certainly came as no surprise, but that is done now. There’s nothing left to do but move forward, on to the next objective. It is a great feeling, having Kaidan back on the ship. That same old burning attraction that had been smoldering between them roars back to life the minute they agree to a truce, and Shepard wonders if this time they’ll both be man enough to act on it.

Besides the war and the worries that go hand in hand with it, Shepard’s largest concern at the moment is for Mr. Snufflepants. It’s been weeks since he’d returned to the ship to find his hamster missing - and he is  _ still _ seriously considering filing a grievance with the Alliance for this breach of trust! He hopes his pet has been able to find enough food and water to sustain himself, but with each passing day, his fear for Mr. Snufflepants’ safety grows. 

He’s systematically searched the ship from top to bottom, and the only thing he can do now is begin the search anew. He just has to find him! Despite the fact that there are innumerable places for a hamster to hide on a ship this size, he’s a fucking N7 soldier! He should be equipped to handle such a simple mission. 

His second inspection of the cargo bay reveals nothing, so he moves up to the Engineering subdeck, determined not to go back to his quarters empty handed. 

“Shepard?” 

He hits his head on the casing to the crawlspace he’s half buried in. Only the whiskey-smoothness of the voice keeps him from completely losing his temper. The newfound peace between him and Kaidan is perhaps a little too tenuous to risk breaking it over something like this. 

“Kaidan,” he sighs, dragging himself out of the compartment and sitting with his back to the wall. 

“Everything okay, Commander? Seems like you’re looking for something.” 

“My space hamster,” Shepard says, dejected.

If he’d been paying attention, he would have seen the way Kaidan tries to hide a laugh by covering his mouth with his hand. As it is, he’s too busy staring morosely at the floor to catch it. 

“Space hamster, huh?” Kaidan asks, feeling fond affection for the man when Shepard turns those sad baby blues his way. “Need some help?” 

“You’re the first person to offer,” Shepard says, taking Kaidan’s hand and letting the man hoist him off the floor. He stumbles and ends up in Kaidan’s arms, but neither of them seem particularly concerned about the proximity. 

Kaidan holds Shepard against him, reveling in the solid feel of him beneath his palms. “Okay, I’ll help you look for him, but how about we take a break first?”

“My quarters?” Shepard asks, swallowing around a newly formed lump in his throat. 

“Sounds good.” 

 

***

“Uh, Shepard? You do realize that the hamster is in his cage, right?”

Shepard eyes him skeptically. “Why are you trying to pull a fast one on me, Major?”

“Would you like to see for yourself?” Kaidan asks with a glint of amusement in his deep brown eyes.

Shepard walks over to the cage and - sure enough - there he is. Like he hadn’t been missing this entire time. 

_ Had _ he been missing this entire time? Has Shepard well and truly lost it now?

Kaidan laughs at the confusion on Shepard’s face. “Did you imagine he got out or something? Maybe a dream?”

Shepard throws up his hands in disgust. “No, I swear to you. I haven’t seen him since I got locked up, but I swear to you he’s been playing tag with me down in Engineering this entire time. I  _ swear  _ it.”

“I know. I believe you, okay? But he’s back now. You’ve got that mission completed, at the very least.”

Shepard smiles then, bright as the sun. “Yes. I did. And I didn’t even have to do the running around this time!” 

Kaidan can’t help but smile in return. “All it took was taking a break, imagine that!”

“Maybe I should take a break more often.”

“Maybe you should!”

They stare into each other’s eyes for what seems like ages, until EDI clears her throat over the comm. Both men jump guiltily like they’ve been caught doing something illegal. 

“If I may interrupt, Shepard, I thought you might be interested to know that ‘Mr. Snufflepants’ is actually female.”

“Really? But the pet store where I bought him said he was a fixed male.”

“I can assure you, she’s female. Go ahead and take a look.”

The hamster squeaks indignantly as Shepard investigates. If he weren’t absolutely certain that he’s losing his mind, he could’ve sworn the translator interprets her squeal as  _ I won’t forget this, EDI! _ But that’s well and truly off the rails. 

He sets her down and soothes her with his finger. “It’s okay, Mrs. Snufflepants. No one has to know, okay?”

Kaidan huffs a laugh behind him. “Say, why don’t we take another break next time we visit the Citadel? I know a place that still has steak.”

“Sounds perfect,” Shepard says as he replaces the hamster in her cage. “I’m calling you my good luck charm.”

Kaidan gives him a smile full of promise. He’s got the man he adores by his side now, his hamster is back in  _ her _ cage, and for the moment, all is right with the world.


End file.
